Reflections and (re)Awakening

I'll be honest, I don't know how to start this post.

It's just a mini looking-in-and-looking-back exercise.

The whole deal of getting any more affluent (not to even mention rich) was partly propelled by my wish to see something and funds and energy being done for and to people who are worthy. I know the words more commonly and easily understood include "unfortunate", "poor", "needy" etc. But that's not what I mean or who I want to refer to on two counts.

One, help should not be blind, even if someone is commonly thought to be in need (eg. African starved babies), not everyone deserves it. I'm no one to judge, but I learnt through my life experiences that one can only make full use of help or additional resources when one is willing to help oneself first.

Two, people who are worthy, deserving help, are not "needy" or "unfortunate". They are the people who truly live their lives (and use their hearts to achieve their goals) They are more than deserving. To me, people with purpose are sacred. (I'm really not apologetic if someone thinks this word should be in the domain of religion)

And these few days, events (again, I can't remember what happened, but I preserved the lesson) told me to look again at this aspect of myself and my desires. I remember setting aside money out of my income when I was working to be used to donate to a cause I thought is worthy.

Well. I failed and succumbed in the face of financial need (rather, wants) of my own. Well, I should say it was desire and wants to caused me to steal my own money and betray my integrity to splurge it on myself. All that money quite a few cents) came from my "charity pool".

I think I owe it to myself, not even to anyone else, to do something about that.

And I will. But when?