Renting in Taiwan, and surprises thrown in your face

3 days away from flying to Taiwan, Ah Wan told me I can't stay at her parents' apartment, which is located near the school. She was unhappy about the whole affair, especially after having gone through an earlier bad experience of ordering, paying for, but having the stock run out for a pair of boots she bidded for online. I suspect she felt bad, because before that piece of news, we were planning as to how we can make her parents' then-vacant apartment more live-able. Thought of getting a TV, bringing woolen blankets and her stereo system from Taitung, maybe purchase a dehumidifier. And all that changed in the blink of an eye when someone wanted to view and potentially rent the house long-term.

I have no stake in and no claim upon that any period of stay in that apartment, but my initial reaction was that it was too much a surprise, and it shouldn't have happened. But intuitively I knew it would be fine. In my hours awake after receiving the news (and this extends to even the earlier half of today) I told myself that all would turn out to be fine. After all, couldn't I go do my walking now? But, guess what? Ah Wan was pissed at that. She complained that I was fickle and that all these different ideas makes it difficult for her to know if she should continue to help me look for a place. I think because I was so bothered about her irritation that I couldn't sleep till 4am. I had this before, but not because of something on my mind. I tried Buddhist chants, which usually prepare me very very well for my sleep. I went downstairs to walk, and deposit some cash. Nothing worked.

Anyway, this morning I took some time and found a place that I am still uncertain about, largely because it is in close proximity (slightly more than 30m, but blocked by about 7 units, and 7 floors off the ground) to the railway tracks. Seems like, though, Ah Wan thinks it will be fine.

And, why did I put in this post? Well, I'm glad, despite having to spend extra money and precious time just before my all-important, pass-or-fail-my-degree examinations, I got a taste of what it is like to settle outside of home. Staying at home leaves many many things taken care of. THAT'S A LUXURY. Looking for a home (at least somewhere to call home for two months) outside my residence of years is a very good experience. It is difficult. It takes time. Life takes time to even maintain, not to say earn and prosper. And, in a very odd way, I am doing what I wanted to achieve in Singapore - move out. Not so that I disconnect from my parents, but to actually account for and attempt to maintain my life. So that, when the time comes, I won't go hungry and dirty, or otherwise down and out,when circumstances are less than ideal.

On my first attempt at translation

By the grace of 何老師, I got some comments on my virgin attempt at doing some Chinese-to-English translation. I had some good stuff, like how I was aware of some of my problems ("how do I translate that accurately?!?") and that I was translating into the language I am more familiar with and confident in. There are, of course, lots to improve on.

1. While I am happy translating into English, my mastery of the Chinese Language will determine, to a large extent, what I understand of the text, and thus the quality of my translation. This will be a multi-year (and perhaps lifelong) project to improve my CL.

2. Key terms. Not fully understanding the meaning of certain key ideas or terminology in the source text can drastically affect how I understand parts of the original piece. Here is understood 偏鄉 as 偏向鄉村（的地方）while 何老師 said that, in his understanding, it means 偏僻，偏遠的鄉下。This in itself changes how we view the extent and reasons behind certain disadvantages the children feel.

3. Imagery. 何老師 tends towards spending a lot of time imagining and visualising the narration in the text. A key example would be 一盞燈 in 每個孩子的生命裏至少需要一盞燈。Truth is, I found this term and line extremely difficult to translate, and my attempt left me less than satisfied for I tried to literally talk about a lamp/light. 何老師 asked me what I imagined the light to be like, in my mind - confessing that translation drains his time and energy because he spends much time visualising such lines/chapters/parts before attempting to translate them. I told him that I saw something like a candle light, a weak glow in a yesteryear lamp. And it occurred to me then that, to an English readership, I should be talking about a glimmer of hope, rather than the light/lamp imagery!

4. Tone. I used overly formal/academic words in translating some stuff. For example, 智商會比臺北的學生低嗎 was translated as "Look, compared to those in Taipei, are the students in the countryside intellectually challenged?" 何老師 reflected that, given the nature of the piece, that it was a speech that was quite informal and off-the-top of the speaker's mind, I should have gone for a more tone-apt way of phrasing "intellectually challenged" -- 老師 suggested "...not as smart?" This comment opened my eyes to, yet again, my inclination to overly intellectualise and complexify things. To 老師 it is very simple. Since the text called for a direct of way-of-speech, then translation should avoid affecting that "feel" of that work.

For the first time, I feel like I am being coached in something. And 何老師 is more than any student can ask for. Gentle with his words, unassuming, but very thoughtful and full of insights. Thank you so much, my dear teacher, guide and friend! (ok, this is not very fair, I have another mentor that...I should devote another post to)

An idea for Starbucks!

I believe in making people do stuff by motivating them in the right way. And people would do stuff if it were fun to do, and watch.

I am at Starbucks at Utown, NUS, and I saw the cups and plates piling up. I don't exactly have some sort of need to have everything in order, but I didn't like how that went. And even when people returned their plates and cups to the help-to-clean-up-after-yourself rack, they weren't in any decent order.

So...how about a "machine" (purely mechanical, probably make use of gravity) of sorts to sort out the stuff, stack them in order, and empty them of unwanted fluids/waste? I'm totally thinking science centre now, where kids get real fascinated with things that display some ingenuity in its design, and which can make things/objects fly/fall/land/travel in amazing ways.

A wager

「置之死地而後生」。

I ended a "heart-to-heart" talk with Wanwan earlier and, in the midst of her preparations for an English Language test tomorrow, she took the time to help me sort out some issues I am facing now.

What turned up is that I have two goals:
1. Short term (2-3years): Stay in Taiwan
2. Long term (after 3 years): Be able, financially and otherwise, to fly around to also take care of my parents

So, along these parameters we decided to do a wager. Well, she suggested it, and I agreed, because we both agree that rationally we both have little chance of staying together, and if we were to do that, I must be able to stay in Taiwan for significant periods of time.

So the wager goes: either I find a decent job (with prospects of learning the trade) or get a position to study at Fo Guang University in the two months I am there, 24 Nov 2011 - 23 Jan 2012, or we would call it quits and I would return to my life in Singapore.

There is a very clear rationale here. And I think, in some sense, Wanwan is pushing me to decide what I want to do with my life. On top of that, I know that I need a decent income and career in Taiwan for my parents to accept that I would have to spend substantial amounts of time there.

Finding one's passion, and the nature of relationships

Shucks! I remember so little of what I heard last night from Wan. Ok, I should go review our extant Skype conversation. And it was very little. Soon after we started the conversation on Skype, she had to go offline – the downside of living in the 佛教學係dorms. So I called her…and so those words went unrecorded. Slowly, though, they come back to me.

One very important point – I repeated this to my 何老師today – concerns the right to give up. I was asking Wan, initially only half-interested in the answer, as to how one can find one’s direction in life. The answer in brief is to find what one enjoys doing BUT there’s a qualifier – one must fully try something before one has the RIGHT TO DECIDE. To Wan this means, once one decides to attempt something, there should be some concrete and measureable goal to achieve, as a waypoint of sorts. And, to her, despite all the possible pains and tribulations one might have to go through in pursuit of that goal, one cannot give up. To bear the difficulties is a requisite to deciding whether something works for one. The way to decide? Amidst the difficulties and tribulations, one deeply enjoys the activity, and derives satisfaction from it. So she felt my desire to learn translation by setting my eyes upon the completion of a book is a good start, for there is a visible end.

I never quite thought of things this way. As in, I’ve thought about the “right” to give up, but never thought about the need to immerse oneself in an activity to a certain extent decided upon beforehand to qualify to have that “right”. But it seems to make sense. I mean…I have for these many years not tried hard to achieve anything. Like I said, I ask very little of life. No…I ask for much but I do nothing to make sure I deserve it. Commitment to a cause is necessary payment to receive, even though such receiving continues to be a miraculous one, and not, in big part, caused by one’s efforts. So for the first time in my life, yesterday I called up the Gwyneth, organizer of the current round of BIA, and told her I wanted to 「爭取」the opportunity to join the team on the trip - on the grounds that the team could benefit from my suggestions and that I could rethink and re-understand what I learnt during BIA2009. Anyway, an update to that, I can go with them but I need to finance my involvement on my own.

Wan also shared this with me: for two to depend「依靠」on each other, they must firstbe firmly established on their own. Their lives must, individually, have strong foundations. Otherwise, any sort of dependence will only cause both to stumble and falter. In a very deep sense, a relationship is always about oneself. So to love “others” one must first love oneself. To project one’s dependence on others, one must first be able to rely on oneself. It’s counterintuitive, but deep in my guts, that makes so much sense. To not give others what one does not first desire, is, in this sense, really about treating yourself right.

Anyway, the thing that is left to do now is to determine how I should spend my two months in Taiwan, in December 2011 and January 2012. And after I decide, I should stand by it, and complete whatever it is that I want to do.

Venerable Bodhi, on giving up

So I really didn’t resolve the issue behind my lack of willingness and motivation in getting my degree. A simple Bachelors, with three not-quite-tough modules to go, and, there I was, for the past few days (minus last night) doing NOTHING to pass my modules. I got round to talking to Venerable Bodhi and Wan about this, and reaped lots. I don’t dare say the “insights” has gone from the rational to emotive level but it sure seems I am gathering more reasons to put effort into completing these darn courses.

I’m gonna split it into two posts. The first about what I learnt from Venerable and the second, from Ah Wan.

Venerable Bodhi has always been the most sympathetic and I have never seen her get so serious. Ok, I have seen it, just once when she dealt with a student who gets a little too touchy with the opposite gender. And that was a big deal given that he and his peers are in that age of puberty. Anyway, What I got from Venerable is that I have to have a standard, a code, a way to tell me where I am heading. Without a roadmap, Venerable fiercely (to me) pointed out, I would always be lost and dissatisfied with life and whatever I am doing. That’s because I would go hopping from one tentative aim to another, always finding some reason to be unhappy about it, and always giving up. Having given up, I would feel, yet again, there is no meaning in what I am doing and the cycle continues.

And regarding this “giving up”. I simply give up too much! Or rather, that has been the only choice I ever made, between “holding on” and “giving up”. How many darn times?? Initial sparks of passion drives me to decent heights, for a beginner, that is, and then I just stop! I stop doing what consumed me and my energy for the last couple of months. I’ve attributed it to a lack of praise (which is so readily available for a rookie who outperforms people’s expectations), and I considered if it is the difficulties; Dr Don thinks, once I see myself easily succeeding at something, I lose interest; but truth is I really have no idea. I was on to something last night. I think it is about meaning, and relevance to my life. I don’t typically get on to something by thinking about its “far-reaching” significance…I simply enjoy it. Being recognized, and accomplishing some measure of success gives me a high. But, now laid bare before me, I can never finish doing something, anything, just by going on a high.

I don’t try for anything. A Chinese expression describes me well: 「苟且偷生」- to ask little of life, and thus, implicitly live on borrowed time. It means taking the safe path, to not rock the boat, to do as everyone does, keeping ones head down. Of course, many of those phrases hardly describe me…but I do ask very little of life. I take what is given, and, now and then, try to cheat a little more out of the system (society, parents, friends etc), but I never asked in life for anything big. How ironic! And I desire meaning; easily the biggest thing that can be found anything in the universe and the whole of life.

I will walk

A small (but not insignificant) impulse I had in the last few days, going through all that head- and heartache, is that I want to walk. To walk and understand myself better through walking. Ah Wan, my girlfriend, told me she does not want me, in the least, back in Taiwan in November if I have no concrete plans of my own. I previously told her I wanted to learn about food and farming, because they are the basis of life. But she doubts that, and is at least partially right in thinking that I really hope to spend some time with her. Her conclusion? I would be disappointed, yet again, just as I had been at the end of my recent Sept trip.

Iam still planning on doing my farming stint, but now I also want to do something else - walking. I thought of walking round Taiwan, but that sounds like it would take two months or so. So, preliminary map-check says it takes 341 kilometres of walking to get from Taipei City to Kaohsiung City. The last time I remember doing route-march, we did 24 kilometres in 10 hours. I doubt I am as fit. Plus I don't want to rush things. AND I might just fall real ill along the way, and require good periods of rest. I think the other half, along the Eastern Coast, through Taitung, Hualien and Yilan, would be considerably longer, but with a great coastal view.

Deep within me, I hope this impresses Ah Wan. I liked the feeling when I last took a night off to cycle to a location 30-odd kilometres away from school, where and when I went to do some research on the university. But also, I am trying to understand myself, and face hardship. My parents generation has been said to be the one that took lots in their stride to give us a comfortable life today. I want to know I can do the same.

Another thing, and this is dedicated to Kelvin, for I am walking (pun intended) the same path he intended when he first thought of India. If you cannot join me, my friend, I will walk with your spirit alongside me. And to show you it is possible, and because we both have such a courageous and innocent trust in the life, I shall do this without money. I will depend on gifts of food and shelter along the way. I'll, certainly, bring a tent, to sleep outdoors, and clothes and stuff to clean myself with, but I won't bring money, that much I promise.

The fear of success, and the bachelor's degree I nearly gave up

The past few days hasn't been easy. Been quite a ride. I've been having a headache that doesn't seem to go away - a constant pressure around the crown of my head which increases with how tired I am. I was telling my doc, Victor Loh, at the University's clinic that I think it is a physical manifestation of mental worries/pressure.

I haven't been very happy. The issue of hoping the my girlfriend who give me more time and attention cropped up again. And she's been real busy. So busy that she had to choose between rest, and giving me attention. And sure I was not pleased to hear that. On one level, that is to say I am not very important to her. On top of that, she tells me she hopes to that she could sometimes also be at the receiving end of some attention and comforting when she's facing stress (and not some needy boyfriend), i.e., I am currently not "grown-up" enough for her to depend on.

And all these made me question my approach to life. I wanted to tell her about my desire to not finish my bachelor's, because I am starting to think that it really is a waste of time. And truth is, having wasted 3 semesters, I really don't want to be wasting another possible two months, which is all it takes to complete the course. Of course, it might sound really silly to give up at this point, but I used Steve Jobs to encourage myself on this matter - would you be willing to do what you are gonna do today if it were your last day on earth? Hell, no!

But thankfully, I have enough friends who did the great favour of offering me listening ears and thinking minds, of a different perspective. My teachers and mentors are my friends too, btw. And they all noticed one thing - I am resistant to the idea of graduating, and there must be some underlying reason. I gained from listening to their insights - fear of success, grief over the lost of something deep within me, (de)valuing academic qualifications as a proxy to attaing/not losing something else.

And this morning, for no good reason, it all made sense. I don't like the idea of getting a bachelor's because I think it is a corruption of my "innocence". You see, I believe that life should be lived simply - as close as possible to the basis of life. I am afraid that getting my degree would somehow cause me to lose sight of that. I don't want my deeper purpose to be corrupted. I think a degree adds nothing to life, especially when I have learnt all, I believe, that I want to and can learn from my course of study. I am preparing to go back to basics - farming is on this path. And yet, a degree?

But the Diamond Sutra offered a different perspective. The Buddha asked Ananda if the persons who attained any of the four (stage of) realisations (which culminates in Arahantship) can have thoughts in his mind, that he has attained some realisation. And Ananda replied in the negative. Why? Because if the realised being has such a thought, then he has attachment to a self, which is to say he has not any realisation. At a deeper level, there are no realisations to speak of, they are just skilful means that the Buddha "invented" to help us get there. (even the term "get there" is problematic, since there is nothing and nowhere to get (to))

But I can't but notice that, to the average, commonsensical, worldly mind, there really exists the four attainments. And so the four attainments are real but yet not so real, all at the same time, and it matters as to how you see it. So I figured out that, the degree is not real, there really is no such thing as a degree. Just like in math, we can confuse a process "4 + 3" with an iteration, which appears as an self-existent static object, "7", so we can wrongly believe that a degree is a "static" "achievement" when it is really the "outcome" of a process of learning. And what it takes for me to accept getting a degree is to realise that there is no such thing as a degree and that I, being aware of that, cannot define myself by that paper qualification. Thus, I can't be corrupted because I got hold of some paper or supposedly "completed," successfully, a process.

And here's what I think of getting a degree now - it is a gift. I really don't believe I need the degree. But certainly to the worldly mind the degree is real, and so should be obtained. So, in order to satisfy the minds that think the degree is real (and necessary), I shall get the degree. I think, in that sense, it is a gift, my gift to those around me.

And my gift to all my friends who understand this post? Well, nothing more than this post itself.

金剛經的啓發

Donkey years ago, I heard the line 「有花堪折直須折，莫待無花空折枝」 and did not make much of it. Today, I realised that this was a story about 因緣。

Everything has it's causes and conditions. The distinction is important - it is often thought of as delineating the primary and secondary reasons behind a result/phenomena. For example, I might have gotten my salary because I put in the hours and effort. Most people would agree that is the primary "cause" of receiving a salary, but often we forget it wasn't our OWN effort, but also the secondary "causes" like having an employer to employ you, that we have had some educational background (made possible by even more other causes and conditions) etc.

For a long while I've been fighting the idea that there can be "primary"and "secondary" conditions for a phenomena, since for a phenomena to occur there must be both occurring in confluence, so there really cannot be a distinction in their importance.

But today I perceived the "causes and condition" theory in a new light - in terms of control. I think, from the standpoint of "I", there are parts of the equation that we can control and parts which we cannot.

And what motivated that understanding? That I've been unhappy about things. I put up time for my girlfriend, and expected her to appreciate me, or at least use me more (as her breathing dictionary), but got none. See - I can put in my part of the equation, but I can't help her put in the rest. Understanding so, I realised 「隨緣」 hardly means that one is passive/aimless. One must put in the full measure of what one can control and LEAVE THE REST to other actors. So the end cannot be expected.

So if there are flowers on the branches, and you so desire to possess them, then go ahead and bring them home, do not wait for the flowers to have withered, for, try as you may, you would only have some twigs for your fireplace then. Of course, like Kelvin mentioned, you can pluck the flowers only if you are willing to face the consequences.

So, should I study for my Stats exam?

It is time to start again!

I spent half a year in Taiwan and found someone there. Lots went through my mind since I returned from Taiwan, while I tried and continue to try to make sense of my experiences but one things is clear - passive/investment income is key to what I want to accomplish in future. And this cash has to be available irregardless of which country or place or time I end up in.

There are two directions - do translation and trade forex. So here I am, full circle. I'm happy, because I don't quite like having to tell myself that I have, yet again, let go of another of my spurts of interest in stuff that goes on around me.

I have committed myself to spending thirty minutes each day on each area. And though I haven't been all that successful in keeping to that, I'm gonna try my hardest in the weeks to come.