The fear of success, and the bachelor's degree I nearly gave up

The past few days hasn't been easy. Been quite a ride. I've been having a headache that doesn't seem to go away - a constant pressure around the crown of my head which increases with how tired I am. I was telling my doc, Victor Loh, at the University's clinic that I think it is a physical manifestation of mental worries/pressure.

I haven't been very happy. The issue of hoping the my girlfriend who give me more time and attention cropped up again. And she's been real busy. So busy that she had to choose between rest, and giving me attention. And sure I was not pleased to hear that. On one level, that is to say I am not very important to her. On top of that, she tells me she hopes to that she could sometimes also be at the receiving end of some attention and comforting when she's facing stress (and not some needy boyfriend), i.e., I am currently not "grown-up" enough for her to depend on.

And all these made me question my approach to life. I wanted to tell her about my desire to not finish my bachelor's, because I am starting to think that it really is a waste of time. And truth is, having wasted 3 semesters, I really don't want to be wasting another possible two months, which is all it takes to complete the course. Of course, it might sound really silly to give up at this point, but I used Steve Jobs to encourage myself on this matter - would you be willing to do what you are gonna do today if it were your last day on earth? Hell, no!

But thankfully, I have enough friends who did the great favour of offering me listening ears and thinking minds, of a different perspective. My teachers and mentors are my friends too, btw. And they all noticed one thing - I am resistant to the idea of graduating, and there must be some underlying reason. I gained from listening to their insights - fear of success, grief over the lost of something deep within me, (de)valuing academic qualifications as a proxy to attaing/not losing something else.

And this morning, for no good reason, it all made sense. I don't like the idea of getting a bachelor's because I think it is a corruption of my "innocence". You see, I believe that life should be lived simply - as close as possible to the basis of life. I am afraid that getting my degree would somehow cause me to lose sight of that. I don't want my deeper purpose to be corrupted. I think a degree adds nothing to life, especially when I have learnt all, I believe, that I want to and can learn from my course of study. I am preparing to go back to basics - farming is on this path. And yet, a degree?

But the Diamond Sutra offered a different perspective. The Buddha asked Ananda if the persons who attained any of the four (stage of) realisations (which culminates in Arahantship) can have thoughts in his mind, that he has attained some realisation. And Ananda replied in the negative. Why? Because if the realised being has such a thought, then he has attachment to a self, which is to say he has not any realisation. At a deeper level, there are no realisations to speak of, they are just skilful means that the Buddha "invented" to help us get there. (even the term "get there" is problematic, since there is nothing and nowhere to get (to))

But I can't but notice that, to the average, commonsensical, worldly mind, there really exists the four attainments. And so the four attainments are real but yet not so real, all at the same time, and it matters as to how you see it. So I figured out that, the degree is not real, there really is no such thing as a degree. Just like in math, we can confuse a process "4 + 3" with an iteration, which appears as an self-existent static object, "7", so we can wrongly believe that a degree is a "static" "achievement" when it is really the "outcome" of a process of learning. And what it takes for me to accept getting a degree is to realise that there is no such thing as a degree and that I, being aware of that, cannot define myself by that paper qualification. Thus, I can't be corrupted because I got hold of some paper or supposedly "completed," successfully, a process.

And here's what I think of getting a degree now - it is a gift. I really don't believe I need the degree. But certainly to the worldly mind the degree is real, and so should be obtained. So, in order to satisfy the minds that think the degree is real (and necessary), I shall get the degree. I think, in that sense, it is a gift, my gift to those around me.

And my gift to all my friends who understand this post? Well, nothing more than this post itself.