Cambodia - My inhumanity

I came back from Cambodia about 34 hours. Haven't done much though. No work, no assignments. Just had 2 tuitions. And I'm in the midst of another. Left my student some work to do though.

My inhumanity. I didn't shed a tear visiting the Tuol Sleng Prison or the Killing Fields. Both were extremely moving and meant a lot of pain and a great deal of suffering for victims involved. I suspect that it was also difficult for those who were executing and torturing the victims.

I felt disconnected. At the Killing Fields, the guide for the site was just odd. So odd that many of us forgot his suffering (his entire family was killed by Khmer Rouge) and concluded (at least temporarily) that he has gone mad (or gotten a screw loose in his head) from staying on the site since 1980.

I missed his pain totally! I can't believe I was that insensitive to have not seen him as another human being. My friend, and travel mate, Joshua told me that I lacked the sociological training. I think not. I lack humanity. I lack compassion. I was trapped in my small little world, and couldn't see that there was some very severe conditions and occurences that was in this part of the world. And in HIS WORLD too.

On speaking to Vindy and Joshua, and hearing their interpretations of the guide's odd behaviour (like asking what bullet it is to the westerners during the guided tour - an M16 round), I was in shock. I didn't know! I wish I understood the significance of all our guide did and said. I wish I could detect his anguish in his eyes. I wish (much later) that I could relieve some of the pain.

And the significance of the M16 - 5.56mm - round is this: It was used in an American rifle. The M16 was developed by the US in response to the russian AK47. Who was behind Pol Pot? Was he really communist? I've no answers. But the bullet sure says something.

Later over a drink, I realised how useless my buddhist beliefs and practices were in terms of dealing with the negativity that was generated over the trip. I couldn't do anything about the suffering. Not then (in 1975-79) and not even now. I couldn't pray or wish away the pain. I wonder how much negativity I brought away by doing tonglen.

This later prompted me to go for the Pchum Ban festival (akin to Singapore's Hungry Ghost Festival) at a temple in Phnom Penh though. Second time I missed sleep for this event. But it took on a new meaning because I imagined the amount of trauma that is faced by the living and the dead because of those 4 years.

I hope this lesson stays with me. I hope I don't prematurely judge others in future. I pray I always listen to - and imagine - their stories fully next time.

I pray peace comes upon all who suffered or is suffering because of the events that occurred from 1975 to 1979 in Cambodia, the then Kampuchea.