An idea for Starbucks!

I believe in making people do stuff by motivating them in the right way. And people would do stuff if it were fun to do, and watch.

I am at Starbucks at Utown, NUS, and I saw the cups and plates piling up. I don't exactly have some sort of need to have everything in order, but I didn't like how that went. And even when people returned their plates and cups to the help-to-clean-up-after-yourself rack, they weren't in any decent order.

So...how about a "machine" (purely mechanical, probably make use of gravity) of sorts to sort out the stuff, stack them in order, and empty them of unwanted fluids/waste? I'm totally thinking science centre now, where kids get real fascinated with things that display some ingenuity in its design, and which can make things/objects fly/fall/land/travel in amazing ways.

A wager

「置之死地而後生」。

I ended a "heart-to-heart" talk with Wanwan earlier and, in the midst of her preparations for an English Language test tomorrow, she took the time to help me sort out some issues I am facing now.

What turned up is that I have two goals:
1. Short term (2-3years): Stay in Taiwan
2. Long term (after 3 years): Be able, financially and otherwise, to fly around to also take care of my parents

So, along these parameters we decided to do a wager. Well, she suggested it, and I agreed, because we both agree that rationally we both have little chance of staying together, and if we were to do that, I must be able to stay in Taiwan for significant periods of time.

So the wager goes: either I find a decent job (with prospects of learning the trade) or get a position to study at Fo Guang University in the two months I am there, 24 Nov 2011 - 23 Jan 2012, or we would call it quits and I would return to my life in Singapore.

There is a very clear rationale here. And I think, in some sense, Wanwan is pushing me to decide what I want to do with my life. On top of that, I know that I need a decent income and career in Taiwan for my parents to accept that I would have to spend substantial amounts of time there.

Finding one's passion, and the nature of relationships

Shucks! I remember so little of what I heard last night from Wan. Ok, I should go review our extant Skype conversation. And it was very little. Soon after we started the conversation on Skype, she had to go offline – the downside of living in the 佛教學係dorms. So I called her…and so those words went unrecorded. Slowly, though, they come back to me.

One very important point – I repeated this to my 何老師today – concerns the right to give up. I was asking Wan, initially only half-interested in the answer, as to how one can find one’s direction in life. The answer in brief is to find what one enjoys doing BUT there’s a qualifier – one must fully try something before one has the RIGHT TO DECIDE. To Wan this means, once one decides to attempt something, there should be some concrete and measureable goal to achieve, as a waypoint of sorts. And, to her, despite all the possible pains and tribulations one might have to go through in pursuit of that goal, one cannot give up. To bear the difficulties is a requisite to deciding whether something works for one. The way to decide? Amidst the difficulties and tribulations, one deeply enjoys the activity, and derives satisfaction from it. So she felt my desire to learn translation by setting my eyes upon the completion of a book is a good start, for there is a visible end.

I never quite thought of things this way. As in, I’ve thought about the “right” to give up, but never thought about the need to immerse oneself in an activity to a certain extent decided upon beforehand to qualify to have that “right”. But it seems to make sense. I mean…I have for these many years not tried hard to achieve anything. Like I said, I ask very little of life. No…I ask for much but I do nothing to make sure I deserve it. Commitment to a cause is necessary payment to receive, even though such receiving continues to be a miraculous one, and not, in big part, caused by one’s efforts. So for the first time in my life, yesterday I called up the Gwyneth, organizer of the current round of BIA, and told her I wanted to 「爭取」the opportunity to join the team on the trip - on the grounds that the team could benefit from my suggestions and that I could rethink and re-understand what I learnt during BIA2009. Anyway, an update to that, I can go with them but I need to finance my involvement on my own.

Wan also shared this with me: for two to depend「依靠」on each other, they must firstbe firmly established on their own. Their lives must, individually, have strong foundations. Otherwise, any sort of dependence will only cause both to stumble and falter. In a very deep sense, a relationship is always about oneself. So to love “others” one must first love oneself. To project one’s dependence on others, one must first be able to rely on oneself. It’s counterintuitive, but deep in my guts, that makes so much sense. To not give others what one does not first desire, is, in this sense, really about treating yourself right.

Anyway, the thing that is left to do now is to determine how I should spend my two months in Taiwan, in December 2011 and January 2012. And after I decide, I should stand by it, and complete whatever it is that I want to do.

Venerable Bodhi, on giving up

So I really didn’t resolve the issue behind my lack of willingness and motivation in getting my degree. A simple Bachelors, with three not-quite-tough modules to go, and, there I was, for the past few days (minus last night) doing NOTHING to pass my modules. I got round to talking to Venerable Bodhi and Wan about this, and reaped lots. I don’t dare say the “insights” has gone from the rational to emotive level but it sure seems I am gathering more reasons to put effort into completing these darn courses.

I’m gonna split it into two posts. The first about what I learnt from Venerable and the second, from Ah Wan.

Venerable Bodhi has always been the most sympathetic and I have never seen her get so serious. Ok, I have seen it, just once when she dealt with a student who gets a little too touchy with the opposite gender. And that was a big deal given that he and his peers are in that age of puberty. Anyway, What I got from Venerable is that I have to have a standard, a code, a way to tell me where I am heading. Without a roadmap, Venerable fiercely (to me) pointed out, I would always be lost and dissatisfied with life and whatever I am doing. That’s because I would go hopping from one tentative aim to another, always finding some reason to be unhappy about it, and always giving up. Having given up, I would feel, yet again, there is no meaning in what I am doing and the cycle continues.

And regarding this “giving up”. I simply give up too much! Or rather, that has been the only choice I ever made, between “holding on” and “giving up”. How many darn times?? Initial sparks of passion drives me to decent heights, for a beginner, that is, and then I just stop! I stop doing what consumed me and my energy for the last couple of months. I’ve attributed it to a lack of praise (which is so readily available for a rookie who outperforms people’s expectations), and I considered if it is the difficulties; Dr Don thinks, once I see myself easily succeeding at something, I lose interest; but truth is I really have no idea. I was on to something last night. I think it is about meaning, and relevance to my life. I don’t typically get on to something by thinking about its “far-reaching” significance…I simply enjoy it. Being recognized, and accomplishing some measure of success gives me a high. But, now laid bare before me, I can never finish doing something, anything, just by going on a high.

I don’t try for anything. A Chinese expression describes me well: 「苟且偷生」- to ask little of life, and thus, implicitly live on borrowed time. It means taking the safe path, to not rock the boat, to do as everyone does, keeping ones head down. Of course, many of those phrases hardly describe me…but I do ask very little of life. I take what is given, and, now and then, try to cheat a little more out of the system (society, parents, friends etc), but I never asked in life for anything big. How ironic! And I desire meaning; easily the biggest thing that can be found anything in the universe and the whole of life.

I will walk

A small (but not insignificant) impulse I had in the last few days, going through all that head- and heartache, is that I want to walk. To walk and understand myself better through walking. Ah Wan, my girlfriend, told me she does not want me, in the least, back in Taiwan in November if I have no concrete plans of my own. I previously told her I wanted to learn about food and farming, because they are the basis of life. But she doubts that, and is at least partially right in thinking that I really hope to spend some time with her. Her conclusion? I would be disappointed, yet again, just as I had been at the end of my recent Sept trip.

Iam still planning on doing my farming stint, but now I also want to do something else - walking. I thought of walking round Taiwan, but that sounds like it would take two months or so. So, preliminary map-check says it takes 341 kilometres of walking to get from Taipei City to Kaohsiung City. The last time I remember doing route-march, we did 24 kilometres in 10 hours. I doubt I am as fit. Plus I don't want to rush things. AND I might just fall real ill along the way, and require good periods of rest. I think the other half, along the Eastern Coast, through Taitung, Hualien and Yilan, would be considerably longer, but with a great coastal view.

Deep within me, I hope this impresses Ah Wan. I liked the feeling when I last took a night off to cycle to a location 30-odd kilometres away from school, where and when I went to do some research on the university. But also, I am trying to understand myself, and face hardship. My parents generation has been said to be the one that took lots in their stride to give us a comfortable life today. I want to know I can do the same.

Another thing, and this is dedicated to Kelvin, for I am walking (pun intended) the same path he intended when he first thought of India. If you cannot join me, my friend, I will walk with your spirit alongside me. And to show you it is possible, and because we both have such a courageous and innocent trust in the life, I shall do this without money. I will depend on gifts of food and shelter along the way. I'll, certainly, bring a tent, to sleep outdoors, and clothes and stuff to clean myself with, but I won't bring money, that much I promise.

The fear of success, and the bachelor's degree I nearly gave up

The past few days hasn't been easy. Been quite a ride. I've been having a headache that doesn't seem to go away - a constant pressure around the crown of my head which increases with how tired I am. I was telling my doc, Victor Loh, at the University's clinic that I think it is a physical manifestation of mental worries/pressure.

I haven't been very happy. The issue of hoping the my girlfriend who give me more time and attention cropped up again. And she's been real busy. So busy that she had to choose between rest, and giving me attention. And sure I was not pleased to hear that. On one level, that is to say I am not very important to her. On top of that, she tells me she hopes to that she could sometimes also be at the receiving end of some attention and comforting when she's facing stress (and not some needy boyfriend), i.e., I am currently not "grown-up" enough for her to depend on.

And all these made me question my approach to life. I wanted to tell her about my desire to not finish my bachelor's, because I am starting to think that it really is a waste of time. And truth is, having wasted 3 semesters, I really don't want to be wasting another possible two months, which is all it takes to complete the course. Of course, it might sound really silly to give up at this point, but I used Steve Jobs to encourage myself on this matter - would you be willing to do what you are gonna do today if it were your last day on earth? Hell, no!

But thankfully, I have enough friends who did the great favour of offering me listening ears and thinking minds, of a different perspective. My teachers and mentors are my friends too, btw. And they all noticed one thing - I am resistant to the idea of graduating, and there must be some underlying reason. I gained from listening to their insights - fear of success, grief over the lost of something deep within me, (de)valuing academic qualifications as a proxy to attaing/not losing something else.

And this morning, for no good reason, it all made sense. I don't like the idea of getting a bachelor's because I think it is a corruption of my "innocence". You see, I believe that life should be lived simply - as close as possible to the basis of life. I am afraid that getting my degree would somehow cause me to lose sight of that. I don't want my deeper purpose to be corrupted. I think a degree adds nothing to life, especially when I have learnt all, I believe, that I want to and can learn from my course of study. I am preparing to go back to basics - farming is on this path. And yet, a degree?

But the Diamond Sutra offered a different perspective. The Buddha asked Ananda if the persons who attained any of the four (stage of) realisations (which culminates in Arahantship) can have thoughts in his mind, that he has attained some realisation. And Ananda replied in the negative. Why? Because if the realised being has such a thought, then he has attachment to a self, which is to say he has not any realisation. At a deeper level, there are no realisations to speak of, they are just skilful means that the Buddha "invented" to help us get there. (even the term "get there" is problematic, since there is nothing and nowhere to get (to))

But I can't but notice that, to the average, commonsensical, worldly mind, there really exists the four attainments. And so the four attainments are real but yet not so real, all at the same time, and it matters as to how you see it. So I figured out that, the degree is not real, there really is no such thing as a degree. Just like in math, we can confuse a process "4 + 3" with an iteration, which appears as an self-existent static object, "7", so we can wrongly believe that a degree is a "static" "achievement" when it is really the "outcome" of a process of learning. And what it takes for me to accept getting a degree is to realise that there is no such thing as a degree and that I, being aware of that, cannot define myself by that paper qualification. Thus, I can't be corrupted because I got hold of some paper or supposedly "completed," successfully, a process.

And here's what I think of getting a degree now - it is a gift. I really don't believe I need the degree. But certainly to the worldly mind the degree is real, and so should be obtained. So, in order to satisfy the minds that think the degree is real (and necessary), I shall get the degree. I think, in that sense, it is a gift, my gift to those around me.

And my gift to all my friends who understand this post? Well, nothing more than this post itself.